Whenever I really need to focus on one thing in my life, my head starts spinning and I can’t stop thinking about thousands of other things. Even though I know this one thing is really important right now, I simply can’t stop my thoughts. Maybe some of you know what is important for me at the moment – I started writing my bachelor thesis.
Once again I can’t believe how time went by and that I’m about to end three years at university. It’s a good thing. I waited for this a longer time now, because at the end of the road there’s one thing in sight. Freedom. Not in the sense that I didn’t like going to university, I really did, more in the sense that I will finally have all the time to focus on projects I’m passionate about. About a year ago I fully started freelancing with some jobs on Instagram, and since last summer I got more and more into illustration, got my own online shop, did my first solo exhibition and a few weeks ago I also had a group exhibition at House of Vans in Berlin. This was a huge opportunity for me, showing my art next to artists that are well known in the scene of street art and graffiti. And I honestly never imagined that something like this would happen.
And now I’m sitting here, on my desk at home, and actually should be sitting in the library working on my thesis. But if I don’t do these little things like writing, or sketching, I can’t give 100% writing my thesis – which is normal and ok I guess. And it kind of clears my head, once I wrote down my thoughts, it’s seems a little emptier upstairs in that chaos in my head. Well, that’s actually not where I wanted to get with this blogpost. My head spins around other things: the freedom ahead gives me a lot of opportunities. As a native of the digital age, I could go wherever I want to go, still sketching on my iPad, still writing this blog post – location-independent. Which automatically makes me face the question: where do I want to go? Or: do I even want to go?
Not long ago I wrote about Cologne, the city that will always have my heart, about the place I call home. And not too long after I wrote that, something started to change. I feel too comfortable. I have to admit that I definitely am in that so called comfort zone. I know alle the heartwarming people, I have a solid circle of friends, I have my favorite spots, I know where to get good food, I always know what happens. It’s beautiful! And first and foremost… it’s easy. No need to look for anything, because I got all of it – right in front of me. Why look for anything else?
There it is, my dilemma: One the one hand, I feel at home. I feel comfortable, being the person I am, totally arrived where I intended to be. On the other hand, something whispers: what else is there? Is there something else? Is there maybe something… better? And as soon as I only thought of that word “better” I feel bad. Why always look for something better, when you got everything? Why isn’t “good” enough? It’s the decision between jumping in that ice cold water another time, going somewhere else, forcing yourself to get used to a different environment meaning city, people, and jobs. Or is it just expanding your horizon? Thinking outside the box? And whenever it doesn’t work out, there will always be a way back.
There are days I really feel like it’s time for me to leave everything behind. And there is not one single reason for it. There are thousands of reasons to stay. And it doesn’t make sense in my head at all. And then there are these days, where I feel like I never want to leave this city. These days come and go. And make me agonize. And who the hell will tell me what is the right thing to do? No one. I can just find the answer myself. I’m looking for it quite a while now. And anyway – there probably isn’t right and wrong, like always in life. I read a quote by Deepak Chopra a few days ago that completely described my inner chaos of thoughts right now. It goes “If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another. The universe has no fixed agenda. Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.”
To end this post with something, because it obviously won’t be a decision, I think listening to yourself will always be essential. A couple of weeks ago I had a situation, irrelevant what exactly happened. I didn’t listen to my inner gut. And for a few days, it seemed my inner gut was wrong, and how I dealt with the circumstance was right. In the outcome of the situation, of course (!) my inner gut was right. And in this case: yes, there is a right and a wrong. That would be my plea. Whenever you’re not sure how to decide, I think there is always a tiny tiny inner voice or feeling telling you what to do. Find time and especially silence, to hear it. Don’t rush, don’t move in disturbing surroundings. Encapsulate. I’m sure you can hear it. To be honest, a tiny tiny fraction of feelings is telling me something too. And sometimes, it can be really exhausting to live in the process of making a decision. It is very soothing to decide, just to get that feeling of being torn between two things out of your head. Once you decided, you’re relieved – or you notice you should’ve decided differently. Let go of fear, “wrong” decisions turn out “right” because it’s the best way you’ll learn.
“Don’t let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It’s your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don’t let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others’ prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.” – Roy T. Bennett